I Care Now; January 14 2026

Content warning: talk about death.

First week back at university! My classes are a bit intimidating, but I’m up for the challenge.

Or, I hope I am.

It’s been very odd; I feel like I have no time at home even though I’m at school for the same number of hours I was last term. I think it’s because the classes are in the afternoon, and thus I get home at the end of the day.

I slept terribly last night. If you’ve been following my blog since 2022, you know I was once held at gunpoint by the SWAT team, who wrongfully searched our apartment for a gun or criminal we had nothing to do with. I keep thinking I’ve made my peace with it, but. Apparently I haven’t.

Growing up, I was never afraid to die. I was, to be honest, passively suicidal even at the best of times. It wasn’t until I had my kid that I started to care whether or not I was around for a long time, because I desperately want to do right by her. Be there for her at every step of her life, until the day she doesn’t need me so much anymore.

There was a moment – too long of a moment – that I thought I had to accept dying young when I no longer wanted to. And that’s done more damage than I was ready to admit.

I did go through therapy with Victim Services. I thought it helped to an extent, but… Ultimately, I wasn’t given any coping tools I didn’t already have, which means that I’d already tried to apply them.

So I turn to y’all once more. Do you get nightmares? Do you have any tricks to staving them off?

Stay safe, everybody.