Getting Mad; February 25 2026

My motivation is pretty low, lately. I’d almost wonder if I’m in a depressive slump if my mood was lower, but I’m pretty okay, overall. Getting back into the groove of school has been challenging after reading week – maybe that’s the problem.

I’ve made a tiny bit of progress on a new book, though! Without going into the replicable parts of the plot, the concept came from reflection on my birth plan. Though it’s not as common anymore, doctors have been known to operate on intersex newborns without parental consent… and, with parental consent in other cases. Both of these infuriate me, and I’m finding that my best work tends to come from a place of anger.

Which is interesting, because as people in my life can attest, I don’t really get angry. Not in the same way you’ll see other people get angry, anyway. It’s like I’m incapable of holding onto anger if it’s at a person, and have a lot of trouble expressing it. I think I’ve shouted in anger exactly once in my adult life? And I can’t remember yelling much as a kid/teen, either.

I think back on the angriest I’ve ever been and wish I’d handled it better. The thing is, though, I had no experience with the feelings I was dealing with – a lot of hurt, betrayal, confusion, shock, disgust. I’d dealt with those things individually, but never all at once, and that turned to anger. It was, I think, one of the hardest times of my life.

Being angry, expressing it, is actually kind of triggering, I’ve found. No wonder I don’t handle it well when it happens.

That aside, once I stop being mad… I just detach completely. Go kind of numb.

My kid likes that I’ve never been mad at her before. I’ve been upset with her actions or attitudes sometimes, but never been mad. I’m kind of scared that if I ever do get mad at her, neither of us will know how to handle it.

I’ve been trying to get back to therapy, so that’s something worth bringing up. Anger issues can look different on everyone, I suppose. I don’t get angry easily enough, and don’t know what to do with it once it’s present! Who would have thought that could be a bad thing?